Today... I Run.

My heart has been burdened...

I am in tears thinking of how organizations have failed people. The problem with an organization is the notion of standards... rules... regulations... uniformity... protocols. There lacks space for questions. There lacks space for exceptions. There lacks space for grace.

I have struggled so much with this journey, because I've watched these organizations fail people. I've seen and hurt for people who've been let down by organizations. I've seen organizations who have failed to love.

Today, I am not running for an organization... I am running for freedom - freedom to love and to be loved. For these men, I love.

August 20, 2011
      "Tomorrow I am going to baptisms... My Atlanta Mission men - my dear friends... These men have soul... I am so excited for them tomorrow. God is working for me - through me..."

I have hope that there's a plan         

greater than I can see.          

I have hope that there's love            

where I can be all of me.        

I have hope for my life                   

that I can give and still receive.

I have hope in You                        

that all I do is for Thee.          

I have hope.

"A Christian group shows up to a Chicago Gay Pride parade holding apologetic signs including 'I'm sorry for how the church treated you'."

(http://imgur.com/bVD9p)


"Dear friends,
let us love one another,
for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
Whoever does not love
does not know God,
because God is love...

...This is love:
not that we loved God,
but that he loved us
and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends,
since God so loved us,
we also ought to love
one another...

...There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment...

We love
because he first loved us."
- 1 John 4

3 Days - Run, Do Not Grow Weary

We all have a story...

These past few weeks of my story have mirrored the stories I've heard... I could not measure up to 'good enough'... I fell down (literally, that was awesome)... I gave up... I questioned.. . I was ashamed and embarrassed... I tried to hide.


With 3 days to go...
My goals are not met.
In my eyes, I failed.
But this was never about me....

"A person too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
to set up an idol that will not topple. Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded? Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
(Isaiah 40:20, 21, 28-31 NIV)

I am in Love.
I am Free... Free to fall... Free to stand... Free to run again.

I can't wait for the dawn of Saturday :)

8 Days - Forget Me Nots...

Have you ever taken on too much? Have you ever felt the desire to 'fix' something? Have you ever strived for perfection?

... I'll be honest, I'm the queen of these things. I am not successful at my notion of what perfection should look like... That leaves me discouraged... Ashamed...and I want to hide, so no one sees how imperfect and flawed I am.

Where have I been? I've been hiding - in shame, in discouragement. Trying to run, but eh...

The beauty of my God is I AM free... Free to be my flawed, imperfect self in my own eyes... Because in my God's eyes, I am already perfect. He looks at me, and he loves... When I hate myself, he cries... When I struggle, he guides... He allows me to be free to grow, to change, to choose... And whenever I decide to give up the struggle within myself, grace overflows loving joy!

Ah if only my heart displayed colors... You'd see the deep sweltering love that has been stored up in me.

Have you ever seen a little child struggle with a task you know you could do with ease? Opening a bag, a can? Struggling to reach for something? Tying a shoe? ... What do you do but have a little giggle at his every attempt?

Have you ever seen the parent of a teen or college kid cry? Her heart breaking and aching as she watched every self-destructive decision her baby was making?

As we watch, we wait... We wait for them to just turn around, look at us, and ask, "Will you help me?"

Last night, someone shared a passage with me... On gratitude...

If for EVERYTHING, we are thankful... In every rain drop, every storm, every struggle, every tree, every sky, every dream...

If we live in gratitude for everything, joy we will find.


I will live today in gratitude...
For everything, I will be thankful
For a joyful heart is a thankful heart
For a thankful heart is a joyful heart

15 Days - Who Do You Stand For?...

After getting thoroughly involved with the Mission, I would spend pretty much all of my "free time" doing whatever was needed or wanted. I was constantly asked: Why? ...it was my joy.

It's easy to do things that bring you joy. I saw it as selfishly unselfish.

Due to circumstance and the regulations of the shelter I was working with, I was respectfully asked to limit my volunteering to the GED class. Saddened, I understood.

This opened up much time for other things to occupy my time.

I am one who believes all things work for good.

All I know is that life will always throw in the unexpected at times when we get comfortable, good or bad - thats my experience, at least.

To be truthful, this particular change really made me question everything I was even doing - if any of it was even worth it - if anything even mattered. To be honest, I don't have answers for those questions... But what I do have is choice.

When I am knocked down I can choose to sit and rest - I can choose to get back up and keep walking. Sometimes, it takes a bit of rest to muster the strength to stand strongly again, and I think that's okay. Standing weakly will only knock you down again.

Do not get discouraged.
Rest in night.
Stand strong in faith.
Walk in light.
Fight the good fight.

27 Days - I'm Perfectly Imperfect...

Well, I deviated from goal #2...

I could give reasons, explanations, excuses, etc - it's all irrelevant.

The beauty of being human is imperfection.

Honestly, that's a concept I've struggled with a lot in my life. I've always seemed to hold myself up to standards that I put upon myself. Standards that set myself up to fail.

That is not freedom.

I have learned a lot from this experience, however. I think any 'failure' that entails a lesson is simply a success. Life can simply entail only successes if we are constantly learning... Isn't that beautiful?

What I learned is that... Sometimes we do things unthinkingly. Not that everything requires deep thought, but there is no reason for us to feel bad about ourselves or our choices.... yet we unthinkingly make choices that end up hurting us.

The act of unthinkingly hurting myself is something I will deviate from.

30 Days - We're All Connected...

...through love.

Yesterday, my friend died. It only takes one honest conversation for me to consider you my friend. Anyone I don't know is an acquaintance. Any one who shares a piece of himself is a friend.

It was unexpected. He was young. I was asked if I had a "poetic" way to look at it...

So meet Mr. L ...

Mr. L has a heart for poetry. He is someone who inspired me to start sharing my writing, to start honestly opening up more. He's a helper. He's a mentor. He's human.

Out of love, he writes. Out of love, he shares. Out of love, he cares.
And out of love, he left.

This affected me. We all have the ability to make an impact on each other, directly and indirectly.

Sometimes, when things affect us, we're happy, we're sad, we're hurt, we're glad.

I don't know the way that God works.
But I know he does.
I know it does.

It's cliché to talk about windows and doors.
Perhaps instead, we need to get away from these walls, and take a step outside.
Isn't that what windows and doors are meant to expose us to anyway?

32 Days - The Truth Will Set You Free

The Day I met Mr. Y...

He is the first person that spoke to me at painting. He was quite nervous and uncomfortable. I was a bit flattered.

At the time, I was dealing with some issues - a few months previously, it had been discovered that the artery leading to my brain had a blockage, although my doctor wasn't sure why. He prescribed me a medication to try to open up the artery, but it ended up costing me several physical and psychological side effects, especially when mixed with alcohol. When some light was shed on the situation, I asked to get off of the medication immediately. It was during this time when everything around me was changing that I first came to Hospital Arts at the Atlanta Union Mission.

Mr. Y could easily be described as a gentle giant. He had a very dominant presence, but his heart was beyond vulnerable and tender.

During Hospital Arts, everyone works either alone or with a partner and paints-by-color on a canvas that becomes part of a mural that is then sent to hospitals and nursing homes around the world. Beyond the act of painting for a purpose, a fellowship takes place amongst the people working together. Over the next few Saturdays I got to know Mr. Y as well as other volunteers and people within the program.

Mr. Y is my age. He suffers from anxiety attacks as well as other psychological issues - things that I would classify as hallucinations and paranoia. When he would talk about these episodes, asking if it was 'normal' or if I thought he was 'crazy', I was actually able to understand his strugglings because of the things that I had just temporarily been exposed to. My heart broke for him... I couldn't  imagine suffering through a lifestyle that I was only exposed to for a brief moment.

Mr. Y left the program. He needed help and attention that was beyond the dealings that this organization could provide. I did hear recent news and updates about Mr. Y. Apparently, he has put on some weight (which I'm told is GREAT news, because it reflects that he is not 'using'), he is at a place that can better cater to his needs, and he seems well.

After getting off my medication, there was uncertainty whether or not my situation would improve at all. It was a risk, but I felt that suffering through some pain would be optimal to the side effects I was experiencing. Fortunately, the pain did not return, and when they scanned the artery again, the blockage had entirely disappeared. Again, my doctor had no reason or explanation for any of it.

I truly believe that the people, situations, struggles, and hindrances in my life are placed so impeccably perfectly on my path..

33 Days - Love Is Patient...

"Sometimes our best service to those we love is to simply stand by, be silent, be patient, be hopeful, be understanding, and wait." - Leo Buscaglia

I've seen people I care about, people close to me go down paths of self-destruction... It hurts to watch. It hurts to feel.

The easy path is to write them off. Give up. Let them go their own way.

You can not change them. Change comes only from within yourself.

No, you cannot change me... But you can love me, just as I am - ever patient, ever hopeful, ever loving...

Isn't that what you'd want for yourself if you had on a different pair of shoes?

34 Days - Merry Christmas...

35 Days - Find Yourself...

Who were you made to be?

Wisdom is being who you are.
Knowledge is knowing who you are.

Given a choice of wisdom or knowledge, I'd rather wisdom...

To me, BEING who you are is more important than KNOWING who you are...

Sadly, I think religion has become a flawed concept for quite some time now... When people think they have to conform to be something they are not, there's a flaw. When people rebel against a concept and end up hurt, sad, defeated, and unfulfilled, there's a MAJOR flaw.

Why do I think this way? Because I've been there. I know those thoughts. I know those feelings.

To me, religion should be FREEDOM. Free to be who you are. Free to love yourself. Free to love people. Free to love the world, and free to love God, whomever or whatever you can conceive him to be, but just be free...

And if you've never done this... Send a thought, a prayer, a question into being - to show you a religion, a state, a being - of free...

Then, find yourself.
Seek and you shall find.
Knock and the door will be opened.

36 Days - You're No Mr. E...

Mr. E

You're no mystery

Can't you see?

You're just like me

Who were you supposed to be?

That person no one tried to see

Cause inside you're still a baby

Learning, earning, tryin', break free

But someone told you to leave be

That dream you could barely see

So hard you tried, never free

Or true to thyself of thee

Oh, Hey Mr. E

As I see you live in sleep

Where are the dreams you keep?

Locked inside, so very deep?

Glint your eyes, light will seep

Mr. E, don't say a peep...

From the light, can you see the beam?

The light that wakes you from the dream

The light in the dark, so you won't scream?

Yes, go on climb that tree

Yes, don't fear to skin that knee

Yes, climb and play, be free

Gee...

Do you feel that glee?

Who are you, Mr. E?

Really...

Tell me...

But don't worry...

You're everybody.

38 Days - Shed Light...

Lessons I've learned...

Love is being vulnerable.

If you want to receive, give.

If you want to open someone up, open yourself up.

An honest truth is an understood truth.

Let me open myself up and give you an honest truth:

I know that everyone has weak spots, vulnerabilities. We cover them, hide them, mask them. We hide behind fasts and indulgences. We hide behind ideas of sinner and saint. We hide behind notions of success and failure. Some of us even play games and experiment to test the lucrativeness of these boundary lines.

We raise and lower our standards, because we can't meet or rise above the standard of who we think we ought to be.

Don't get me wrong - Is it great to strive for continual improvement? Of course.

But if you constantly live in the struggle of being, you're missing out on life, on love.

In Freedom, you've already arrived. You recognize that where you are is exactly where you're supposed to be, and it is also going to change.

Freedom is to just Be.
As you are - in your current, beautiful self.

My Light...

I've struggled with ideas of perfection... in body, in behavior, in competence
I've struggled with fear of rejection and of neglect

What are my masks?
Food. Alcohol. Indifference. Negligence. Criticisms.

As surely as the world turns, I'm constantly learning...
But still, I run for freedom...

In Love,
Christine

(Freedom is in forgiveness and release... Feel free to share anonymously, if you choose.)

39 Days - In His Own Words...

I haven't quite found the courage or articulation to try to portray someone's story with my words...

So until then, meet my friend, John:

http://www.atlantamission.org/download_file/view/287/301/

He is one of the first people I really got to know at the Mission. We served together in the kitchen. At the time, he had been in the program for over 5 months. He is now the kitchen servant leader and is nearing his 1 year graduation.

While randomly checking out the Atlanta Union Mission thrift store in Roswell, I came across this poster on the wall... My heart began to beat - "I know him. I know his name. That's my friend - that's my friend, John."

40 Days - Update...

Goal #1: Completing the 5K - Well, I ran 3.75 miles on Saturday and a little under that on Sunday, so the distance is no problem... BUT to up the ante, a friend put a donation bet on my speed, which is not my forte. New challenge accepted... but not promising.

Goal #2: Alcohol fast - Today is the official day 5... Through the weekend... multiple Christmas parties... social events  - Check.

Goal #3 & #4: Team, Sponsorship, and Support - Let me just say: I have some pretty amazing people in my life... Thank you. I can't tell you what it means to have people respond, literally, immediately. Every bit is so encouraging. I am in awe, and I honestly think of each of you every time I'm running, I'm at the Mission, or I'm looking at a menu :) You are truly awesome!

I am blessed.

In Love,
Christine

41 Days - Freedom...

There is a human condition that we all seem to share - brokenness... It's very rare to find a person who truly loves himself, the world, and all others. It's very rare, because it's very hard to do. It's a constant monitoring of your mind and changing of thought to act in a way against the grain.

We all have people who we feel didn't love us enough, didn't give us the love we needed. We all have things we don't want people to know about us, things we choose not to talk about. These are our broken pieces that hold us back from self-actualization, self-love, nirvana, God.

The problem is not in our humanness... The problem is in our chosen lack of freedom.
We try to work to 'fix' ourselves, our actions, our behaviors, our emotions.

The key... is not to do work for a cause. For when we do, we end up with a "because"... a reason and justification for the things we do. Because, we're lacking, and we try to fill ourselves up:

We think, "Maybe if I just try.."
We pinch, we poke, we pry.
We indulge. We vomit.
We scream. We cry.
We keep asking ourselves why.
We run towards something with some goal in sight.
We keep thinking, "If only I had a little more might."
We don't reach it, so the cycle starts again
The cycle of the cause, because, and why?....

Stop.

There is Freedom.
Freedom in Love.
Freedom in Acceptance.
Freedom in Forgiveness.
Freedom in Yourself.
Freedom In Love.

Run For Freedom...

Just BE.

In Love,
Christine

42 Days - The Story of Love...

25 + y =143

I had a new student in our GED class. With most cases, he was unsure where he was academically, because it's been years, and even decades for some, since he had to do math. My philosophy is: wherever you are, that's where we're going to start, so I usually teach about 3-5 classes/lessons per session, catering to whatever the needs are (color-coded, of course).

As he was waiting to go over his problems, he decided to take in as much information as he could, so he attempted one of the other lessons' problems.

"Hey Ms. Christine, check this out! New guy is catching on real fast - got the answer and everything!"
"That's awesome!"
"Yeah, but he's not doing it your way"
"That's fine - as long as it works, I'm cool with that...
Do another one, and we'll go over it"

21 + x = 45

"Christine, you've got to look at this... He's like counting numbers and it's working out."

Hm, now I'm interested... Explain this "new method" to me...
He says, "Well, see x is the 24th letter in the alphabet.
21 + 24 = 45"

"SEE, CHRISTINE! I like that way!"

In giggles, "Yes, I know, but baby boy, that's not exactly math. It worked that time, and that's pretty cool... but that will not work for everything."

"Well, let him try another, and we'll see!"
"Fair play... Give it a shot"

25 + y = 143

"118"
"What?... How did you get that?"
"Well, see... y is the 25th letter... and then if you....
(blah blah blah), ..and so it's 118."

[mind blown laughter]

"So... when I was writing this problem on the board, I just got an inkling to use these numbers. After I wrote 143, it reminded me of a code I've known people to use for 'I Love You'... So, tell me then, Code Man, which letter is the 25th... I bet I know..."
"[counting].... Y"
"That's what I thought. Looks like someone has a message for us:"

So I wrote over the words...

Why?             I Love You.
  25    +   y   =      143


Y= 25th letter

BE
25

Just BE - You are loved.

In Love,
Christine

43 Days - What's In a Name?...

That's easy - letters.

On Thursday, I woke up early, began my typical routine...
Before going for a run, I checked my phone - The Atlanta Union Mission had posted about this 5K run.

As I ran, I thought.
Thoughts poured my mind:
'
"Hm, I should do that....
...I should invite other people to do that...
...How cool would it be if people knew what they were running for, who they were running for...

What if we didn't just run for a cause... What if we ran for a story?"

I thought back to a math problem...
I teach a GED class at the Mission.
Last Saturday, I instinctively gave my group the problem:

25 + y = 143

I giggled when I wrote it, because it reminded me of a memory.
I had no idea the story it would tell...

[running]
"What if... we could represent each individual story?
All of the friends I've made at the Mission - I know their stories.
I know their pieces.
We all have common ground, as a human race...

The Story of Brokenness.
We all have broken pieces.
We all share that story."

I thought back to the alphabet... 
"Could I think of an individual at the Mission for each letter of the alphabet?
Which letters would be hard...

X - Hey, I know someone for that
Z - Hehe oh yes, I know him
Q - Yup, someone comes to mind"

So... On this journey, let me tell you all about some letters I know...

The Case of the Alphabet.

25 + y = 143
Can you crack the code?

In Love,
Christine

44 Days - Begins Now...

Today, I decided to make a commitment.

In 44 days, it will be January 28th, 2012.


My Goals:

1.) Complete the Atlanta Union Mission 5K - Racing to End Homelessness

Well, last year around this time I began training for a sprint triathlon. Although I've taken several months off hard training, I still keep up my running. In fairness, a 5K race doesn't seem like a grandiose obstacle or challenge for where I am right now. So... add on some goals.

(http://www.atlantamission.org/)

2.) Complete an alcohol fast in honor of my Atlanta Union Mission friends

 I have completed various fasts before, so it's not the hardest goal. With my friends and family, the holidays factor does play a part. There are several reasons behind this challenge that I will address in future posts...

3.) Gain sponsorship to support the Atlanta Union Mission...

I haven't quite set a number for my goal yet... My goal is for the Atlanta Union Mission to meet/exceed their goal. Today, we need over $71,000 more - oh boy... I have faith.

4.) Create a team

I do a lot of things alone... I don't want this to be one. I have a number: 26. My goal is to have at least 26 people in this "Run For Freedom" - that is, I want at least 25 people to join me in the race on January 28th, 2012.


Everything in life has a purpose...

For when you are blessed, be a blessing.

In Love,
Christine