Today... I Run.

My heart has been burdened...

I am in tears thinking of how organizations have failed people. The problem with an organization is the notion of standards... rules... regulations... uniformity... protocols. There lacks space for questions. There lacks space for exceptions. There lacks space for grace.

I have struggled so much with this journey, because I've watched these organizations fail people. I've seen and hurt for people who've been let down by organizations. I've seen organizations who have failed to love.

Today, I am not running for an organization... I am running for freedom - freedom to love and to be loved. For these men, I love.

August 20, 2011
      "Tomorrow I am going to baptisms... My Atlanta Mission men - my dear friends... These men have soul... I am so excited for them tomorrow. God is working for me - through me..."

I have hope that there's a plan         

greater than I can see.          

I have hope that there's love            

where I can be all of me.        

I have hope for my life                   

that I can give and still receive.

I have hope in You                        

that all I do is for Thee.          

I have hope.

"A Christian group shows up to a Chicago Gay Pride parade holding apologetic signs including 'I'm sorry for how the church treated you'."

(http://imgur.com/bVD9p)


"Dear friends,
let us love one another,
for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
Whoever does not love
does not know God,
because God is love...

...This is love:
not that we loved God,
but that he loved us
and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends,
since God so loved us,
we also ought to love
one another...

...There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment...

We love
because he first loved us."
- 1 John 4

3 Days - Run, Do Not Grow Weary

We all have a story...

These past few weeks of my story have mirrored the stories I've heard... I could not measure up to 'good enough'... I fell down (literally, that was awesome)... I gave up... I questioned.. . I was ashamed and embarrassed... I tried to hide.


With 3 days to go...
My goals are not met.
In my eyes, I failed.
But this was never about me....

"A person too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot;
they look for a skilled worker
to set up an idol that will not topple. Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded? Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
(Isaiah 40:20, 21, 28-31 NIV)

I am in Love.
I am Free... Free to fall... Free to stand... Free to run again.

I can't wait for the dawn of Saturday :)

8 Days - Forget Me Nots...

Have you ever taken on too much? Have you ever felt the desire to 'fix' something? Have you ever strived for perfection?

... I'll be honest, I'm the queen of these things. I am not successful at my notion of what perfection should look like... That leaves me discouraged... Ashamed...and I want to hide, so no one sees how imperfect and flawed I am.

Where have I been? I've been hiding - in shame, in discouragement. Trying to run, but eh...

The beauty of my God is I AM free... Free to be my flawed, imperfect self in my own eyes... Because in my God's eyes, I am already perfect. He looks at me, and he loves... When I hate myself, he cries... When I struggle, he guides... He allows me to be free to grow, to change, to choose... And whenever I decide to give up the struggle within myself, grace overflows loving joy!

Ah if only my heart displayed colors... You'd see the deep sweltering love that has been stored up in me.

Have you ever seen a little child struggle with a task you know you could do with ease? Opening a bag, a can? Struggling to reach for something? Tying a shoe? ... What do you do but have a little giggle at his every attempt?

Have you ever seen the parent of a teen or college kid cry? Her heart breaking and aching as she watched every self-destructive decision her baby was making?

As we watch, we wait... We wait for them to just turn around, look at us, and ask, "Will you help me?"

Last night, someone shared a passage with me... On gratitude...

If for EVERYTHING, we are thankful... In every rain drop, every storm, every struggle, every tree, every sky, every dream...

If we live in gratitude for everything, joy we will find.


I will live today in gratitude...
For everything, I will be thankful
For a joyful heart is a thankful heart
For a thankful heart is a joyful heart

15 Days - Who Do You Stand For?...

After getting thoroughly involved with the Mission, I would spend pretty much all of my "free time" doing whatever was needed or wanted. I was constantly asked: Why? ...it was my joy.

It's easy to do things that bring you joy. I saw it as selfishly unselfish.

Due to circumstance and the regulations of the shelter I was working with, I was respectfully asked to limit my volunteering to the GED class. Saddened, I understood.

This opened up much time for other things to occupy my time.

I am one who believes all things work for good.

All I know is that life will always throw in the unexpected at times when we get comfortable, good or bad - thats my experience, at least.

To be truthful, this particular change really made me question everything I was even doing - if any of it was even worth it - if anything even mattered. To be honest, I don't have answers for those questions... But what I do have is choice.

When I am knocked down I can choose to sit and rest - I can choose to get back up and keep walking. Sometimes, it takes a bit of rest to muster the strength to stand strongly again, and I think that's okay. Standing weakly will only knock you down again.

Do not get discouraged.
Rest in night.
Stand strong in faith.
Walk in light.
Fight the good fight.

27 Days - I'm Perfectly Imperfect...

Well, I deviated from goal #2...

I could give reasons, explanations, excuses, etc - it's all irrelevant.

The beauty of being human is imperfection.

Honestly, that's a concept I've struggled with a lot in my life. I've always seemed to hold myself up to standards that I put upon myself. Standards that set myself up to fail.

That is not freedom.

I have learned a lot from this experience, however. I think any 'failure' that entails a lesson is simply a success. Life can simply entail only successes if we are constantly learning... Isn't that beautiful?

What I learned is that... Sometimes we do things unthinkingly. Not that everything requires deep thought, but there is no reason for us to feel bad about ourselves or our choices.... yet we unthinkingly make choices that end up hurting us.

The act of unthinkingly hurting myself is something I will deviate from.

30 Days - We're All Connected...

...through love.

Yesterday, my friend died. It only takes one honest conversation for me to consider you my friend. Anyone I don't know is an acquaintance. Any one who shares a piece of himself is a friend.

It was unexpected. He was young. I was asked if I had a "poetic" way to look at it...

So meet Mr. L ...

Mr. L has a heart for poetry. He is someone who inspired me to start sharing my writing, to start honestly opening up more. He's a helper. He's a mentor. He's human.

Out of love, he writes. Out of love, he shares. Out of love, he cares.
And out of love, he left.

This affected me. We all have the ability to make an impact on each other, directly and indirectly.

Sometimes, when things affect us, we're happy, we're sad, we're hurt, we're glad.

I don't know the way that God works.
But I know he does.
I know it does.

It's cliché to talk about windows and doors.
Perhaps instead, we need to get away from these walls, and take a step outside.
Isn't that what windows and doors are meant to expose us to anyway?

32 Days - The Truth Will Set You Free

The Day I met Mr. Y...

He is the first person that spoke to me at painting. He was quite nervous and uncomfortable. I was a bit flattered.

At the time, I was dealing with some issues - a few months previously, it had been discovered that the artery leading to my brain had a blockage, although my doctor wasn't sure why. He prescribed me a medication to try to open up the artery, but it ended up costing me several physical and psychological side effects, especially when mixed with alcohol. When some light was shed on the situation, I asked to get off of the medication immediately. It was during this time when everything around me was changing that I first came to Hospital Arts at the Atlanta Union Mission.

Mr. Y could easily be described as a gentle giant. He had a very dominant presence, but his heart was beyond vulnerable and tender.

During Hospital Arts, everyone works either alone or with a partner and paints-by-color on a canvas that becomes part of a mural that is then sent to hospitals and nursing homes around the world. Beyond the act of painting for a purpose, a fellowship takes place amongst the people working together. Over the next few Saturdays I got to know Mr. Y as well as other volunteers and people within the program.

Mr. Y is my age. He suffers from anxiety attacks as well as other psychological issues - things that I would classify as hallucinations and paranoia. When he would talk about these episodes, asking if it was 'normal' or if I thought he was 'crazy', I was actually able to understand his strugglings because of the things that I had just temporarily been exposed to. My heart broke for him... I couldn't  imagine suffering through a lifestyle that I was only exposed to for a brief moment.

Mr. Y left the program. He needed help and attention that was beyond the dealings that this organization could provide. I did hear recent news and updates about Mr. Y. Apparently, he has put on some weight (which I'm told is GREAT news, because it reflects that he is not 'using'), he is at a place that can better cater to his needs, and he seems well.

After getting off my medication, there was uncertainty whether or not my situation would improve at all. It was a risk, but I felt that suffering through some pain would be optimal to the side effects I was experiencing. Fortunately, the pain did not return, and when they scanned the artery again, the blockage had entirely disappeared. Again, my doctor had no reason or explanation for any of it.

I truly believe that the people, situations, struggles, and hindrances in my life are placed so impeccably perfectly on my path..